why do birds fly south?

[TheStoge]

Whooowwww ... duck or something Jobbo !! RIP

[kazz67]

An antique collector walks into a store He sees a small brass rat on the shelf. After looking for any other bargains in the store, he decides he wants to buy the rat. He asks the storekeeper "How much for the brass rat?" The storekeeper says "Ten pounds for the rat. One hundred and twenty pounds for the story." The guy says "What's the story?" The storekeeper says "I wont tell you unless you give me a hundred and twenty pounds." The collector says "Skip the story", pays for the rat, and walks out of the store. He puts the rat in his backpack and starts riding his bike across the nearest bridge. A short time later, the guy looks behind him and sees a rat following him. This strikes him as odd, but not unheard of, so he pedals on. A moment later he hears cars honking behind him and turns around to see a pack of about a dozen rats following him. He turns and pedals faster. Finally, as he nears the other side of the bridge he looks behind him and sees hundreds of rats chasing him. He concludes that the rats must be chasing the brass rat and decides this is too much. He stops his bike, pulls the rat from his pack and throws it off the bridge into the river. He watches as the huge pack of rats jump off the bridge and drown. Relieved but curious, the guy pedals back to the antique store. The storekeeper sees him come in, shakes his head, and says "You should have bought the story. You can still have it for one hundred and twenty pounds." The guy shakes his head and says "Forget the story. How much for the brass scouser?"

That's just plain vicious Jobo!! And racist too!

And given that one of the mods of this board is a scouser the advice to duck may be well founded!

[jobo]

this ones not a joke it happened when i was a manger of a building firm in Liverpool

Three scousers were sent to clear a fourth floor flat of all its furniture, faced with having to carry everything down 4 flights of stairs they started chucking it out of the window, washing machine, fridge telly, bed all of it out of the window in to a big pile on the pavement, 4 floors below

when they launched the settee out, it took a strange bounce, flew across the pavement and felled a passing woman, a few bruises and mild concussion

later i had them in my office to sack them for gross stupidity,
when one piped up

it was her own fault,

i looked at him quizzically and he continued

her mother told her not to accept suites from strangers


had to let them off coz they made me laugh

[Jargon buster]

Two farmers talking in the pub and one agrees to buy a donkey off the other.
He gives him £50 and agrees to pick up the donkey the day after.
When he gets to the farm his mate tells him the donkey has died, so he asks for his money back.
he tells him that he cant as he has spent it.
So the second guy says "well I will take the donkey anyway"
His mate says "What are you going to doo with a dead donkey?

Thats my business he says and off he goes with the donkey.

A week later they meet up in the pub and the first farmer says "How did you get on with the donkey"
Second guy says "I made £499"
"How did you do that" says his mate.
Well he said I raffled it off as a live donkey at £1 a ticket and sold 500 tickets.

"But didnt anybody complain when they found out it was dead" said his mate
"Yes just the bloke who won" he said "So I gave him his quid back"

Dont get any ideas now!!!

Regards JB

[notguilty]

felt pekkish the other night so, ordered a chinese, went and picked it up.....got home, opened the bag and saw 2 eyes staring out at me....






then i remembered i ordered peking duck...

[emmanualgoldstein]

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?

Knock on the door!

[jobo]

good news/ Osama Bin Laden caught red handed, planning new terrorist outrage

bad new /unfortunately he was caught in Scotland

[TheStoge]

News Flash ...
The Irish SAS stormed Dublin zoo, shot all the gorillas and released the ostridges !

[MorningStar]

John came from a small rural village which was devoutly catholic. The village was very poor, but the village leaders decided that they wanted to send John to meet the Pope, to bring blessings to their village. So all the villagers chipped in for flights to the Vatican, and they scrimped and saved to get John the finest suit money could buy to wear when he met the Pope. John was honoured to be chosen for such an important role, and he travelled to Vatican City. On his first day there he gathered with the crowds in the hope of shaking hands with the Pope. John watched the Pope walk around the crowd giving his blessings, and John saw the Pope stop and whisper into the ear of a homeless man waiting in the crowd, shortly after this the Pope waved goodbye to the crowd and returned indoors. John was heartbroken, his fine suit had no result and he knew that he could not return home without shaking hands with the Pope as he would have let his whole village down. So John decided to try again the next day, but before John joined the crowds he found the homeless man and traded his fine suit for the man's rags. John again joined the crowds waiting for the blessing, and this time the Pope walked straight up to him, John was overjoyed. The Pope firmly took his hand, and quietly whispered in his ear "I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday?"

[Jargon buster]

After examining the pope the doctor says "I have some very bad news your holyness"

"What is it my child" says the pope
"Im afraid you will die unless you have sex with a woman" says the doc

"But Im the Pope the head of the Catholic church on earth I cannot have sex"

"You have to" says the doc

"Very well" says the pope "but I have three conditions that must be followed"
"1 She must be blind so she cannot see me"
"2 She must be deaf so she cannot hear the sounds within the Vatican"

"And 3 she must have massive tits"

Regards JB